Lisa couldn't take it anymore. Each time she met her colleague Peter, one of the prominent retail chain executives where they worked, he began endless complaining about his work, the government, and his personal life. After hearing Peter's moan, it didn't take long for her to experience a claustrophobic reaction. It didn't help that whenever Lisa tried to fine-tune Peter's situation, he returned to his negativity. Peter's constant grumbling, whining and lamentation were toxic to everyone, including him.
Damage done
Research shows that chronic complaints, such as Peter's, have physiological effects. By repeating bad, sad, insane, and helpless feelings, neurotransmitters in the brain go through a nerve "connection" that strengthens negative thought patterns. This makes it easier to repeat unhappy thoughts and leave little room for more positive feelings, gratitude, recognition, and well-being. A continuous cycle of negative thoughts can even cause damage to the hippocampus, the part of the brain that is used to solve problems and cognitive functions. Over time, complainants become addicted to negativity, attracted by the drama that comes with the complaint.
They are also prone to black and white thinking. Compromise is not part of the equation. No wonder complainants like Peter's are more likely to see problems than solutions, making it very difficult to work with. Due to their negativity, it is difficult for them to make decisions and solve problems. Ironically, complaining creates more things to complain about.
Chronic complainants also have a detrimental effect on the environment. Without realizing it, when people think and react negatively, they transmit these feelings to others in a process psychologists call "projective identification." It's as if they use other people as some kind of trash can for their negativity, making others feel exhausted.
Interestingly, it is very likely that this type of "transmission" is part of our evolutionary makeup. Some neurologists suggest that human beings possess so-called mirror neurons in the brain that are essential for survival. As social beings, our brains unknowingly mimic the moods of the people around us, which can be advantageous when we face danger. It can also serve as a form of social cohesion. However, this neuronal mirroring has the opposite side. People who complain about everything are contagious, and before we know it, we become complainants ourselves.
Why complain?
The complaint is not so bad. Occasionally venting and expressing negative emotions to a colleague about difficult situations allows us to get our worries out and reduce possible stress reactions. Suppressing our feelings can prevent us from naming our problem and getting to the bottom. People also complain that they feel better about themselves. When we return to Peter, he may want Lisa to confirm how unfair or annoying his situation is and make some kind of emotional connection.
But complaints can also be used as a way to exercise power and influence perception. Especially in organizations that can attract political games, people complain to gain people's support. In this interpretation, Peter may have been trying to get Lisa into his perspective on what he thought was wrong with some people in their organization.
In many cases, chronic complaints begin at the beginning of life to make a relationship visible to the family. These early experiences can become deep-rooted patterns of behaviour and become part of Peter's identity. That would explain why he responds poorly to advise. Solving his problem would remove the reason to complain and jeopardize his sense of self.
Complainant's management
Often, attempts to assist chronic complainants often have little or no effect. Peter would most likely continue to absorb the disadvantages of his situation rather than seek a solution. This makes dealing with these chronic complainants so uncomfortable.
It is better to start by setting clear boundaries. Lisa should tell Peter that she is ready to listen and talk but not to engage in recurring conversations. Going through the same thing over and over again does neither of them a service. She should tell him that even though he realizes that he is feeling bad, his constant complaining upsets everyone in the organization. She should acknowledge that everyone sometimes complains and point out that most people do it in moderation and that there is a right and wrong way to complain. Complaining is helpful in situations where he thinks it could affect real and positive change, but complaining the way he does is not constructive.
Next, Lisa should let Peter know that he would be much better off adjusting his perspective. Purposeful complaints - we take a proactive stand - will provide him with a plan to overcome his negativity. After all, if he has time to whine and complain about all the bad things that have happened to him, he should also take the time to do something about it. He should complain to fix and solve something, not just to gain sympathy.
Lisa could also suggest that Peter cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Whenever he feels compelled to complain, he should see it as a red flag that shifts his attention from the complaint to counting his blessings. At the same time, he might find that his mood had improved; he could have more energy and feel less anxiety. Of course, creating such a change in behaviour takes time. Along the way, however, he could get help from a coach or psychotherapist, who could explore with him his tendency to be a victim, why he is constantly looking for confirmation from others, and how to work on alternative reactions when he experiences the need to complain.
While the chronic complainants appear to be harmless at first sight, they owe their colleagues and themselves the regulation of their behaviour. People will eventually tire of negativity. Peter must realize that the whistling wheel does not always get the grease. It can also be replaced.
So is it just me?
Are You An Effective Complainer?
Take the Effective Complaining Quiz
1. Are you prepared?
a) I thought about the issue, did some research and came up with a plan.
b) My style is just to do it – jump in feet first.
c) Why should I prepare? They are the ones to blame and who need to work to fix my problem.
2. Can you briefly summarize your complaint?
a) It's taken some work but I can clearly, concisely state my complaint.
b) It's just too complicated to summarize briefly. I need to explain the context and the details of what really happened for someone to understand.
c) Why should I cater to them? They created this mess; they'd better be prepared to just listen.
3. How have you backed up your complaint?
a) Through collecting evidence and documentation.
b) By relating the whole story and its details in an engaging, entertaining way.
c) By crying and showing how damaging the effect has been.
4. When you complain, would you describe yourself as:
a) Cool, calm and collected.
b) Anxious, confused and uncertain.
c) Tough and demanding, sometimes just losing it; swearing, shouting, insulting.
5. Do you ask questions and listen when you complain?
a) I prepare questions in advance and work at listening even if it is challenging.
b) I don't know; if a question comes to mind, I'll ask it.
c) Why should I? They should be listening to me and asking how they can fix it!
6. Are you complaining to the right person or organization?
a) Part of my research was finding out the complaint process and to whom I should take my complaint.
b) It does not matter; they should help me anyway.
c) I'll give whomever an earful, who cares?
7. What role does your anger play in your complaining process?
a) Processing my anger through writing and talking to friends energizes and motivates me and allows me to let go/detach when I'm officially complaining.
b) I'm aware my anger is sometimes difficult to control because the complaining process is so frustrating.
c) Expressing the full extent of my anger makes people take notice and do something.
8. When you complain, do you have support?
a) I ask my friends for advice or support. Sometimes I've found university resources that are also supportive of my complaint process.
b) No, I don't need help. I know what I'm doing and want to get on with it.
c) Complaining is easy; just vent. I don't need support for that.
9. Do you know what you want to achieve by complaining?
a) I have specific expectations but might be willing to compromise.
b) I don't know – nobody ever asked me what I want.
c) Who cares if my demands are reasonable or not? I want action!
10. Can you describe your process?
a) Complaining can be complicated, so I am keeping a record of all my calls, letters and responses, including the names and positions of people I have spoken to.
b) I'm frustrated at getting passed from one person to another and from one department to another. When I call back, the whole process starts again. Who can keep track?
c) When the phone gets answered, I start yelling. I demand immediate action or else. A few threats never hurt anybody.
Rate Yourself
Count up how many times you answered A, B and C.
A: 10-7 Excellent complainer. You are likely making changes for the better.
B: 7-4 On the right track. Increased organization and self-awareness will make you an effective complainer.
C: Over 3 You have a lot to learn. You may make things worse for yourself, not better! Ask for support and review effective complaining techniques.
Comments